I'm not perfect. I'm not always the good person I try to be. Heck, sometimes, I don’t even think about whether or not I’m being a good person at all. I've done terrible things, and I don't doubt that I still will in the future. However, I have also willingly sacrificed much for other times, though admittedly sometimes less willingly than others. I'm just another filthy human trying to live my life, trying to survive, trying to be happy - same as all of you.
You don't have to see me the way I see myself. If you think I'm a demon, that’s alright. If you think I'm an angel, that’s great. I am a million different people, because of the person I am in the minds of each and every person that has ever met me... and I'm fine with that... and you should all be too. Let us all try our best to be good people to each other, but also understand that sometimes that's not always possible simply because of the clashing interests of every human being alive
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Sometimes what I want isn't what you want. So one of us is going to have to be miserable until we find happiness in something else. I’ve had to make some hard decisions. I’ve destroyed more than one person by deciding that I didn’t want to be in their lives anymore. I didn’t want to hurt them. I hurt them. I knew I would hurt them. I hurt them. However, I am not going to regret making decisions that made my own life easier, or happier, or less stressful. Sometimes we must be selfish in order to move forward, even though that might mean setting other people back, or leaving them frozen in time. All we can do is hope that they find closure, heal, and find happiness that we could no longer give them. We will feel guilty for a while... and then we wont.
Even though the people we hurt may not heal for years, or decades, or maybe even ever... It is up to them to find their own path. It is up to them to handle the disaster that we brought to their lives. It is up to them to grieve and grieve until they can find it in themselves to pick up the pieces and move forward. At their own pace. We all have our own pace. Some of us heal fast, and some are not as quick. Even if the tragedies we face are of the same level, no person on Earth will handle it the exact same way as you. Try to understand that somebody has felt pain, even though you don’t know how badly they suffered.
We will all experience a moment in our lives when we feel like we will never be able to heal. We are damaged beyond all repair... and that’s okay. Grieve. Cry. Be angry and bitter and hurt. That’s all okay. We are human. However, if you are to find any sort of happiness again, we must fight ourselves for the right to find it. We must thrash and crawl and fall and climb, and face countless battles within ourselves to remind ourselves that we deserve to be happy. We can only control our own actions, not the actions of others. We can only change our own feelings, not the feelings of others. Choose to live with the pain if you must. Some of us die inside and never come back. We are broken. Some of us recover well and find happiness by forgetting the pain.
Some of us live with the pain forever... and yet it cannot stop us from still experiencing happiness in some form or another. Pain is not something to fear, but something to teach us the meaning of happiness. It can help us grow in so many ways, and we are never ever done growing as humans. Never. It can show us parts of ourselves that we don’t want to be, or want to be, or have been and just never knew it. It can open our eyes, force us to look outside of ourselves and see the pain of others. It can make us completely devoid of love, or it can make us love ever harder. It shapes who we have been, who we are, and who we will become.
We are ever changing. Sometimes we remain stuck in the same place for years, never changing in major ways or philosophies... yet every single day, we change just a little bit. Sometimes something happens and we change a lot, all in one go. Change is inevitable. Change is natural, though most of us hate it. Life changes, yet we almost never notice because it happens a little at a time. When did you start drinking? When did you start smoking? When did you become kind? When did you become cruel? When did you give up? When did you start hoping again? Who are you now? Who am I?
Who am I? Though I may not completely know the answer, I know this: I am alive. I have been through a lot of pain. I have had a lot of happiness. I have endured hardships. I have been given many blessings. I have cried so desperately that I bled without wanting to bleed. I have laughed so hard that I stopped breathing long enough to pass out from lack of oxygen. I have experienced happiness so glorious that I cried and smiled and couldn’t stop doing either for many many minutes. I have felt failure so devastating that I lost all emotion, personality, expression... humanity. I have experienced success so small yet so wonderful that though others may not see achievement in them, I know that they have drastically changed my future. I have felt depression, inspiration, fear, excitement, heartbreak, love...
I am alive.
Presently, my own life isn’t perfect, just as I am not perfect. I have changed so much. time and time again, I have changed. Whether I wanted to or not, change has befallen me - both good and bad. This is because I have lived. I still experience so much pain from people who I love and care about with all my heart and soul. Of course that’s who made us feel pain. Why would we hurt from somebody we do not care about? Yet I experience happiness too from time to time, and that’s perfectly enough for me. That’s just the way life goes, and though I’m not always okay with that, deep down inside my heart I know that there is nothing I can do about it, so why let it take away what happiness I do have? Sometimes I wonder if I’m going anywhere, if the people I love really value me in their lives, if I’m going to live the life that I always envisioned. Though I may never really know the answers to the first two, I know for sure that there is no way my life is going to be exactly what I wanted... and I’m okay with that. Where there are mishaps and tragedy, we also find blessings and joy.
We are alive!
The people in our lives that we care about are ever changing just as we are. Some of them will stay with us forever. Accordingly, some of them will betray us, hurt us, destroy us... or we will do that to them. It is up to each of us to decide what to do and where to go from there. We can only control what we think and do. We cannot control the way life goes. We cannot control what people will do to us, say to us, or think of us. It is devastating, and exhilarating, and exciting, and frustrating, and terrible, and wonderful all at once! We just need to set our own minds to what it is we want to take from it all.
To be alive is to feel both pain and pleasure. Life is BitterSweet, my dears.
I have made many friends, and possibly just as many enemies. I myself do not currently hate anybody, but I am certain there are people who hate me. There are people who have hurt me, and once to the point of an almost successful suicide attempt. The are people I have hurt just as badly, or to a greater extent. There are also people who I have come to care so much about. I have met so many awesome people that I have come to enjoy the company of. We have great conversations sometimes, and sometimes we just hang out and mess about. There are people that I’m super awkward around, but desperately want to be friends with. Will I be friends with them one day? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
There are people I love much more than they love me, and there are people who care for me much more than I care for them. There are people I have had crushes on and got rejected by, or never got to be with due to circumstances in life, or simply never confessed to. I’m sure I’ve been that person for others as well. We need to be strong when things end, because not everything is forever. Do not defy yourself your humanity though. It’s okay to feel negative emotions, to cry, to rage... but let there be a day when you finally stand up and prepare yourself for life once more. We are human.
I have a ridiculously high amount of flaws - some of which I am not fond of, and some of which I cannot feel ashamed of. However, I also have many aspects about myself that I am extremely proud of, even if others do not like that about me. I have different standards and morals and values. We all do. For example, I do not like to be presumptuous. I try my hardest not to judge anybody, even if I think I know them well. I make a point of trying to never make assumptions. My guesses and instincts are taken into account, but I also force myself to remember that others do not see the world as I do, think as I do, or behave as I do for the same or different reasons. However, other people pride themselves in being able to tell exactly what kind of person somebody is at first glance. I personally believe that isn’t something that is completely possible, but who am I to judge them? Life has given them different abilities, views, patterns, mindsets... We are human.
For those suffering from any anxiety, depression, or mental illness that is keeping us from achieving any of this easily, or even at all... I know it’s hard. I won’t say you just have to try harder, because I know how wrong that would be to say. I’m sorry that we have to go through any of this... I am here for you. I am with you. When you want to wail and cry, panic and die inside, or just sit there feeling empty, I just want to remind you that it’s okay. Go for it, but do not allow yourself to disappear just yet. Though I may not understand exactly what you are going through, though I cannot possibly fathom how difficult the challenges you are facing must be for you, I understand that you are hurting... and I am here for you.
Hopefully, I am not the only one, because God knows how my own mental health and social anxiety may prevent me from telling you exactly how important you are. There are people who love you. It’s so hard to remember this... I know... but you are loved. You are important. We may be broken, but we are worth way more than our weight in gold. Stay strong and keep fighting. There isn’t a person alive who won’t, at some point in their lives, need help with coping. We are only different in that we may need it more often than most... and that’s okay. Find the people who will support you, who will stay with you through thick and thin, who will understand that things aren’t as simple to deal with as they seem to them, who will remind you that they are there, and you are important. We are human too.
I’m not done changing. Every day, I change a little. Sometimes it’s by accident, and sometimes it’s on purpose. I change myself to make my life more bearable. I change myself to make somebody else’s life more bearable. I change for compromise. I change for love. I change for me. Sometimes it’s tedious, painful, hard, and frustrating. Why should I be the one to change? Why should I be the one to force myself to be okay with something I wasn’t okay with before just so neither of us will suffer? The answer is right there. I do not want to suffer. I choose happiness, though it is almost never easy. If I love somebody, I will go through this challenge, this hardship, because I don’t want to suffer... and I don’t want them to suffer for it either.
Sometimes I change because I’m selfish. I’m not proud of making others sad or hurt, but sometimes we must be selfish in order to save our own lives from misery. It is so difficult for any of us to be selfish anymore if we want to be good people... but we must find balance. Do not take away from others if you can stand to live as you are living. Do not take away from others for the sake of taking, or out of spite or hatred. Do not be overly selfish, only be selfish enough to keep things fair for yourself. It is a hard line to walk. I am not perfect. Sometimes I feel shame. Sometimes I hate how I behave. Sometimes I loathe the things I’ve said in pain or anger... but I will never truly hate myself - for I am only human.
We are only human. Be good to yourself.
Happy New Year everybody <3
