Sometimes I ask my self why nothing ever goes right.
People I thought I trust let me down.
Maybe sometimes somebody I love doesn't realize how they make me feel like they're pushing me away.
It gets hard a lot and sometimes life throws me challenges I think I cant overcome, things that I can't seem to handle.
A close friend misses out on something amazing I did and I thought they were there to see it all happen but they weren't, and my whole world could fall apart and I wonder if they care at all.
Someone I care about and love is going through some problems and ends up making me feel invisible even when I try to help. Sometimes I ask myself if he remembers I'm there at all.
I have so many issues with myself that sometimes I wonder why I even exist.
But that's just me being human. A teenager. Normal. You know?
But being me (for those of you who know me), I don't exactly like the term normal. The term ordinary. And I never have liked being told that I am in any sense like that at all. Because... Why would I want to be ordinary when I can push myself to be Extraordinary! All you need to get there is a simple and straight train of thought that has just enough amount of common sense to lead you through the toughest of times.
There are times when I look back and realise that none of the bad stuff that's happened to me even matters at all.
So my best friend didn't see my show.
So my boyfriend sometimes unintentionally makes me feel like I'm the only one putting effort into seeing one another in the relationship.
So no one can understand when I'm trying to make a point!
So sometimes I'm left alone with no one to talk to while everyone else runs off to have their fun, not noticing what has happened to me.
So the people I love and trust the most stop caring for a little while to go make somebody else's day.
So I'm left in a heap of my own decisions to make because nobody else has tried hard enough to find out whats going on.
So I get turned down and abandoned when I use the best of my efforts to plan one day to spend with my most treasured companions.
All that doesn't matter anymore!
All this time, I've been stressing myself over things I have no control over!
When I get shut down, I erupt.
When I get ignored, I hurt, I cry.
When my efforts turn to dust and go unnoticed by those I love and care for, I burn, I burst out in anger at myself.
When everyone else is having the time of their lives with me and making sure I feel happy, and the one person I wish was there isn't, i make the BIGGEST mistake i can ever make by ruining everyone else's day because I get depressed over one person who I care about so much that refuses to be around when everything is alright!
And yet, all this time I've failed to realize that that's really not my problem!
I make plans, they're broken by somebody else.
Their loss.
I try to be noticed, noticed when im happy and cheerful.
They only realize I'm there when something is wrong.
Who cares? Their problem.
I try to be heard, they hear me only when I'm crying.
So what? It no longer makes a difference to me.
You want to push me away?
TELL ME! Don't leave me there trying to guess!
But now, now, all I've got in my mind is how other people's choices are negatively affecting my life! And why? Because i care too much! Because i let it get to me!
Well. I'm not going to anymore!
I'm sick of being depressed and I'm sick of banging my head against a wall because I feel like the one person I want to smile with and laugh with and talk to doesn't feel like seeing me unless I'm in complete tears!
i am tired of trying to make people see that all I want is to be happy and I am tired of breaking down when they don't!
So I'm not going to do it anymore!
I don't care if you don't care so I'm not going to let myself ruin my happiness anymore!
It's time for a change! And if you're not going to be a part of that, then I guess it's time to leave you behind because I don't want to be miserable any longer!
Why don't I realise that being myself is the best thing that's ever happened to me? Why don't we ever realise that our destiny is to be ourselves and be happy being us? i]It's because we let other people control our lives and emotions!
Well I'm stepping out of that trap, of that challenge! It's time for me to conquer that obstacle! Are you coming with? Or do u still not believe me when I say that there's nothing worse than not loving your own life?
Well. I'm gonna take the advise of someone I love and even though I don't spouse he's managed to take his own advice just yet, I'm still going to make sure I always remember what he taught me.
Being Happy doesn't mean that everything is Perfect! It's being able to make the decision to look past all the imperfections and see all the truly Amazing things life has given us!!!
Well you know what? I think it's about time I stopped being miserable! I deserve to be happy and, you know what, I'm going to be whether anyone supports that or not!
It's time I become the person I used to be. The tiny jock girl who's personal problems will not affect her grades any longer! The girl I used to look at in the mirror and smile at every morning. The kid whose life has always been perfect in her own eyes. The young lady I promised myself I'd be!
And you know what?
I'm going to be that person and I'm going to look myself in the mirror and be proud of what I see. Something I haven't been proud of in a very long time...
So throw me everything you got!
I will not crash down again! Not anymore!
I will not fall!
I'm gonna be happy, something I haven't been in a really long time, now or never!
I'm going to be the best I can be!
I will live my life happy, or not live it at all.
And I'm gonna do it with, or without, any one's help!
Case Closed!
(",)
XOXOXO
Copyright (c) Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora, 2008
1 August 2008
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