Today

Today

By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora

Thursday 15 March 2012 [1328h]

Under normal circumstances I do love the rain

But in my current situation it causes me pain

To feel the dislike and anger ooz into the love I hold for him. It's dim,

it's dark, my heart sinks into the pit of my gut

I step into the rain, the mud, the cold

The sun is gone, I'm thrown into a hole,

Into the pit of new despair, I dare not to speak again

But alas my soul is torn

Not in two, not into shreds - Just torn

Like the indecision brewing in my head

The feeling of being forlorn, and worse,

Of having made him feel that way too

The ache in my chest and head colide

Inside; a rollercoaster ride of emotions and explosions

I lay my head to rest and thus I rest my case,

I am sad today.

Happy Days

You see how truly happy you were for a while when you feel sad, and realise you used to feel that way everyday.

Last week, I made the stupidest mistake I recall ever making in my entire life, and as a teenager, I've made a chizload of stupid mistakes and decisions. I haven't been able to bring myself to want to re-tell the story ever since it happened, except to my family and the police, so I wont. My mother on the other hand made quick work of telling the entire city about it though, so I often have to tell people I don't want to talk about it when they ask me about it, and they do, a lot... so it's very hard to get away from it now, even though I spend everyday trying to distract myself from it because of the way it haunts me. I posted about it on Facebook the day it happened, so anybody who saw my statuses that day knows most of the story... I haven't been able to bring myself to talk about the actualy incident, cuz it makes me feel like such an idiot, but anybody who talked to me that day knows exactly what I lost that day (besides my dignity), and exactly how I felt.

Until last week, my world (my inner world ofcourse) was perfect and peaceful. Everything in my soul and mind was completely content. My life is not, was not, has never been, and probably will never be actually perfect, but I was happy. I wasn't always like that though. I realised that today. The way I feel now... The way I always need to distract myself by reading comics, or watching anime or TV - the things I enjoy most and get easily distracted by, completely pulled into their world - the way I need them now like their morphine to my rage and anger at what happened, at myself for allowing it to happen even though my instincts told me what was really going on and I didn't listen because my subconcience has the need to always be polite, even to people I don't know... The way I absolutely have to be distracted if not asleep - the way I can't live in my own mind anymore... I feel it now and realise that this is how I used to feel everyday of my teenage life before a couple of years ago. The feeling of time running out on me, the feeling of having accomplished nothing, of having my family dissapointed in me because I'm smart but not the smartest, because I'm talented, but not the most talented, because I haven't excelled to be on top of everybody I've ever known, competed against, or schooled with - because I have different dreams for myself than they have for me. The worst is being dissapointed myself because I have come nowhere close to even acheiving those dreams. I keep making plans and charting it out in my mind how I want to get there, but life keeps stopping me. My parents love me very much, but sometimes their over-protectiveness stops me from going anywhere or doing anything to make any progress, and I wont even pretend to try and blame them, because I've allowed this to be my life. I've been so sheltered, I've grown up having everything done for me, and not being allowed to do anything for myself, or try anything alone. I had the opportunity this year to change that. My parents eased up on my enough for me to try make some progress, but I've been lazy. Procrastination has taken much of my initiative away from me. I've gotten so used to being handed what I need, or being handled and stopped by others, I started to stop myself.

Still, for the last year, I've been happy. Seeing how I feel now, and comparing it to how I used to feel before the last year, I can see now how truly content I was with my life, my drama, my losses, my disspaointments. I would work through them, or not care, or do something better. I would ignore drama, and anger, and hate. I would start something new when I failed, or inherit something old when something was taken from me. I may have gotten angry a few many times in the last year, may have shown much anger and hate, but inside, I knew I'd got over it, and I always did after a short time. I don't know what could have made me that way, so subconciously happy, so truly content with whatever happened to me... but I can only credit my friends, those who stayed with me through everything I've ever gone through, the troubles I most times kept hidden from my family... my family, my parents especially, even though I got angry at them A LOT, and they got angry at me, I knew they loved me, I always had it in my head how much they've done for me, even after I found out about my secret true life last year - there were alot of problems between me and my family last year, but I never let anybody know how I just didnt care, how I was still really happy through it all - my sister, my nephew, my new found dad (long story --> http://suchislyf.blogspot.com/2011/06/life-i-never-knew_4707.html <-- Link), I mean, without my family, who am I right? A special guy, Anthony, who despite everything good and bad that we've gone through, is still here...... and most of all God, who has kept me safe through everything, given me people who truly care about me and who I care about, a good life and education, my passions, my dreams, my talent, the wisdom to learn from every experience in my life, good or bad, and from what I observe in others, and most of all, a past, present, and future. 

Now I just want that happiness back, but God can only do so much for me because he can only guide my choices and keep me company through it all, and I know the only way to get it is to do the hardest thing any human being can possibly face - Forgiveness. It is the hardest challenge for us, as humans, to truly and fully forgive those who have wronged us... but it is even harder to forgive ourselves for what we hate most in ourselves...... and I now face both. I can't keep trying to stay asleep, or distract myself, it's tiring, and depressing, and I still have a lot of plans I need to accomplish. The problem is, even if I do manage to forgive myself and everyone who's caused these feelings of anger, shame, sadness, and grief... I still have many obstacles to overcome before I can do anything. My mom has become a thousand times more paranoid than she already was before the incident (and that's really saying something) and I'm not allowed out of the house anymore. Left, right and center, everybody feels the need to ask me about what happened, or scold me, or talk about me, or slam me, and I really just want to get past this, but I can't if people keep bringing it up. I now need a new ID and Passport because of what happned, and I really need to get out of the country soon. I'm broke, completely broke, and can't do anything about it...

So I guess here comes the most challenging, and final, year of my teenage life... Wish me luck.

(c) Margaret Alpajora 28/02/12 [1708h]

Humanity

People ask what has happened to "humanity"?

When something is wrong, they say "Where has your humanity gone?".

Well I say, screw humanity. I don't need humanity, nay, I don't WANT humanity

Humanity is what defines humans.

Humanity is selfishness, and preserving one's own self. Humanity is dog eats dog, and "C'est la vie". Humanity is rediculing others to make yourself feel better, stealing other people's property because you assume they have more than you, or just to gain more than you already have. Humanity is doing what ever it takes to get to the top, to be on top, to feel like you're better than others.

Humanity is insecurity, and fear. It makes you afraid to be confident in yourself. Humanity causes you to push people away because you think you're not good enough. Humanity makes you bahave in ways that makes somebody who truly cares for you despise who you've become. It's hiding things from the ones you love when something's gone wrong because, today, humanity means they will scold you and judge you, insted of support you and help you get through what ever life has thrown your way. It's being scolded for coming in second place because somebody else was just a little bit better. It's feeling sorry for yourself because something good happened to somebody else, insted of you.

Humanity is being the best, the most popular, the smartest. It makes you give up on what you love because you think you're not good enough, or because others say you're not good enough, or that you'll never make it, or that your dreams are stupid. Humanity is forcing yourself to do things to please others even though it makes you miserable. It's living out other people's dreams for you because they say they know what is best for you, insted of living out your own.

Humanity forces you to conform, to be what peple expect you to be, to be what is defined as "normal", to strip you of your idividuality because it displeases others.

Humanity is being called stupid while you're still growing up and finding your way around the world. It judges and says you're "misguided" because who you are confuses people and makes them insult you because they assume that who you are, is just you going through a phase while "trying to find yourself". Humanity critisizes insted of assists.

On the other hand, humanity can bring out the best in us. Humanity tries to bring about the end of war, racism, sexism, homophobia, anger, fear, pain, and strife. It can be what drives you to help the needy, the down cast, the ravaged. It can be what pushes you to sit next to a friend and hold their hand through something bad in their lives without needing to know what's wrong, or reach out to somebody who has nobody to call friend. It could be what touches your very soul and teaches you to forgive when you're on the reckless path of revenge, or forgive the most difficult person to forgive - yourself. It can be what moves you to speak out for some one who can't find their voice to defend themselves...

... but how often have you thought about doing something good for some body else without thinking about gaining anything from it yourself? Even just stopping youself from doing something wrong, or mean, can change the outcome of someone else's life.

Hovever... in this new world, we are taught to fend for ourselves, nothing more.

If this is what we continue to teach the new generations, if we continue on this path, on this line of thought, humanity is surely doomed.

(c) Margaret Alpajora 27/02/12 [2038h]

Learn It

Boys should learn that there's a difference between "I got mad love for you" and "I love you".
Girls should learn that there's a difference between real love and teenage infatuation.
Teenagers should learn to stop abusing the word "love" unless they're sure they really mean it.
That's why people say the word no longer has any meaning.

[Just Saying]

The Will to Forgive

After sorting through my anger and frustration, and my feelings about him, I realized that if I just breathe deep and let it go, without a second thought, my heart would feel so much lighter, and the two of us could skip all this stupidity and go back to being us. I've lived by that. Let go of hate and anger, forgive but don't forget, just learn, and don't make the same mistakes again. I know what he did was because of his own stupid and misjudged decision, and some petty anger, but he realized he was wrong, and I know he didn't do it on purpose. I know he would never willingly hurt me, and that's enough for me. Love is never easy, but that's what makes it love. In order to truly survive in love, and stay together, people should learn to forgive, and learn from mistakes, and never make them again. People should not let any petty negative feelings get in the way of their love for each other, and always remember what is most important; Each other. The 1st Bible verse I ever memorize and the one I most live by, not just in my romantic relationships, but even my relationships with family and friends; all the people I love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

And that's what I will always live by, including in this situation.
All must be forgiven, because I love him, and he loves me.

Leave me broken

A week or so ago.
Me & My friends plan a girls night out for the 9th of December.
I talk to him about our monthaversary he day before that, on the 8th, and ask if he wants do do anything for it.
He says no, we don't really have to do something.
Agreed. Girls' Night out is on. GIRLS.

Girls' Night Out.
We talked all night. I didn't sleep. I'm exhausted.
I meet up with my girls. We hang out. We see a movie. We go to dinner.
Halfway through the night, we get loads of phone calls from his best friend, asking us where we are.
We tell them we're eating, that we're not going to tell them (clearly this shows we're asking them not to look for us), and tell them we will find them after we've eaten.
A while after that, we get anonymously sent milkshakes from the waiter.
Clearly they've found us. We're slightly upset.
We all have drinks already and can barely finish what we already have.
They show up. So much for Girls' Night.
We over-react, still upset from them blatantly ignoring our wishes and agreements.
They leave. We eat. We finish.
We feel really bad for what happened and decide to end Girls' Night to go apologize and thank them for their sweetness.
While looking for them we run into another group of male friends having their own Boys' Night Out.
They decide to join us. They're drunk. I don't notice. I want to find him.
We agree to let them tag along.
We find him, his brother, and his best friend upstairs.
We rush over to apologize.
Everything goes crazy, the drunk boys start greeting them and taking pictures with us.
I still don't realize they're drunk.
I apologize. A lot. I feel really bad. He looks upset. I feel worse.
I apologize more. He's still upset, but he says it's fine and acts okay.
My close friend from the drunk group keeps taking pictures with us, and asks me to sit with him.
When he starts behaving clingy and over-hugs me, I realize they are drunk.
I bet he's mad. A few more pictures, and I get up and go back to him.
I apologize some more.
We remember that we left some of the girls at spur.
We have to go back for them.
Everybody else leave to return to spur. I stay.
I ask him to come. He's watching a movie. He can't. I ask again. He can't.
I say goodnight, and give him a kiss goodbye.
He didn't seem too angry.
We go back and hang out. Watch the drunks and laugh a little.
I don't want to be there. I want to go back. But he's in a movie.
Right before it's time to leave, I call him. No answer. I wanted another goodbye.
I wanted to know he was okay.
I still felt so horrible. I'm exhausted.
I give up and go home. I get home, and fall asleep.
I wake up after a couple of hours. I get on Facebook and leave another apology on his wall.
I still feel terrible about our over-reaction.
He's online. I say hi. Nothing. He's offline.
I can't sleep. But I'm exhausted. I send a goodnight SMS. Nothing.
I can't sleep. I watch TV. I'm exhausted. I fall asleep.


The Next Morning.
He still hasn't replied. I figure he's still asleep.
I have to go for a meeting. My mum refuses. I go back to sleep.
I wake up late. 3pm. He still hasn't replied.
I go on Facebook. Try to send him a message. I leave a post on his wall.
I send an SMS. I doesn't deliver. I send another an hour later.
It doesn't deliver. I leave a post on his wall. Nothing.
I send another SMS. And another. And another. And another.
Asking if he's mad at me.
Nothing.
I know he's ignoring me. I'm hopeful he's just busy.
... But my heart knows he's angry. Cuz I'm in pain.


Tonight.
My brother from South Africa comes. I put a smile on my face to welcome them.
I feel better.
We hang out, and talk, and catch up, and laugh.
We get hungry. It's time to cook. We make french fries.
In the middle of cooking. My brother SMSs him to say he's back in town.
He replies.
My heart breaks.
I feel my chest explode.
I'm in pain.
I leave the chips to my brother, and walk away.
I go to the bedroom and find him on Facebook.
I try to talk to him, and find out he has been ignoring me all day.
I thought my heart was broken before?
That was nothing compared to the pain I felt right then and there.
I logged off.
I ran to the bathroom. 
... and cried.
And cried, and cried, and cried. The way I haven't cried for over a year.
He talks to my brother and tries to talk to me.
My brother tries to talk to me about it.
My heart hopes he wants to say sorry, but my head knows I'm too angry to talk now.
So I ignore my brother. I ignore him.
After a couple of hours crying in the bathroom, I come out.
I cry in the bedroom, where my brother is still talking to him.
My brother says he wants to explain.
EXPLAIN? Not apologize???
Fuck.
I tell him to leave me alone.
I'm too angry to talk. I will swear,
I swear.
He feels no guilt. He only sees mine.
My apology apparently meant nothing, though he pretended to accept it.
More anger,
More heartbreak.
I end it. There is no more "US".
He gets mad again, cuz I'm angry, cuz I'm hurt.
He only sees his own pain.
I shout at him. I tell him what he's done to me. I can't do it anymore.
I end it.
It's over.
There's no more "us".
THEN he apologizes.
He doesn't want me to go.
But I can't go back.


Now
We're still talking.
He's trying to take it all back.
Can I forgive him again after leaving me broken?
We'll see...

Believe it or not...

Hate makes a heart grow heavy;
Forgiveness, even in the face of evil, is the only path to true happiness and satisfaction. To learn & practice this may take a lifetime, to deny it, a second...
... but the fact is: It's just the cold hard truth.
[Believe It]
♥ BitterSweet ♥

Pissed Off

Little girls!

The immaturity of it all!

You are NOT a woman if you call somebody else's boyfriend EVERY Friday hiding your caller ID laughing like idiots then hanging up, and then one night you decide to drunk dial him and tune shit like "You never talk to anyone so I'm afraid of you. I wanted to tell you that I'm in love you" then have your friend grab the phone and suggest he date you JUST cuz it's true: "She really does love you" [uh, no you don't or you wouldn't be doing this bullshit to him], meanwhile in the background you tune "I love you" over and over complaining about being tired of fantasies & that you just want him. That's weak, and stupid and immature and all it does is piss the poor boy off enough for him to hang up & call his girlfriend cuz he needs to be calmed down after your terrible annoyance; venting about how angry he is, wondering out loud who the hell you are and how you got his number, and then actually being forced to consider getting a new sim card.

Do you know how much couples who really care about each other hate seeing their counterpart angry??? It REALLYpisses a person off to see that somebody out there is causing their partner stress AND THEN HIDING.

Chances are, you know nothing about him cuz if you did you would know how much he hates your phone calls and how annoying your behaviour is! You DON'T know him, therefore you DON'T love him, cuz for either one to be true, your fear of him wouldn't exsist. You admit you are afraid of him, and therefore admit that you don't know him enough to see that there's nothing to fear, that he's the funniest, sweetest, most innocent person you'd ever meet, and you admit that by fearing him you don't love him at all.

That being the case, it's people like you who take ALL the meaning out of the word "Love". Almost everybody around the world has either given up on love or no longer believes in it because people MISUSE it. Throwing around the phrase "I love you" when you barely even know what love is takes all its meaning away, and now when people who are TRULY in love show it, people judge them and say that they are stupid and aren't going to last.

The fact of the matter is that just because you seem to be throwing yourself all over him like a desparate little whore does not mean that, just because he is a boy, he's going to float up to cloud 9 and start singing and dancing.

I have nothing against people who accidentally end up liking people who aren't single, because sometimes it can't be helped... but at least ATTEMPT to approach it MATURELY!

Do it however you want. Confront them, Talk to them, what ever... but don't try to hide yourself behind a private number and annoy the living hell out of them every week, whether or not a person is single, I am SURE that pisses people off.

GROW UP, stop being so immature, and leave him alone or apologize.

If you're reading this and you know it's you, you have been warned. If we find out who you are...

Watch. Out.

True Friendship

By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora

 [Monday, October 18, 2011 at 12:39am]

True friendship isn't about convenience;

It's about that special bond between two people called love that lives on no matter the distance or the length of time.

It's about being there for each other, and appreciating each other.

It goes both ways, and not just one.

It's about sharing each other's burdens so they aren't as heavy.

If you lost a friend to hate or indifference because they got sick of you, or you of them, then the friendship was not meant to be, it was only another obstacle in life that was meant to help you grow, and if you did not grow, it was pointless.

True friendship is eternal;

Nothing can come between it, not a crush, or a fight, or other people's disapproval.

True friendship never dies;

It may sometimes look like it has ended, but in the hearts of both, the love still remains.

True friendship survives;

When it seems like all is lost, and like the bonds are severed, the warmth in your heart when you see them smiling proves that it is still alive.

Being a friend is about more than just being the same, or being inseparable, or sharing personal belongings.

It is about loving, and caring, and kindness.

It is about sharing smiles, tears, happiness, pain, anger, and sorrow.

It is not about the quantity of the memories shared, but the quantity of the memories cherished.

True friendship cannot judge, or slander, or condemn.

It sympathyses, empathyses, understands, consoles, and soothes.

It is not about the how often you talk, but about how you speak to each other, what you speak to each other about, and how much these conversations matter to you.

It is about being stupid, and crazy, and retarded together, and getting in trouble together, and laughing about it later, insted of blaming or regreting.

It is about forgiveness, faith, trust, and love.

Wanting to see them happy dispite your own position, wanting to see them happy even when they no longer wish to assossiate themselves with you.

It is about defending them when they are being slandered behind their back, insted of joining in to save your other friendships.

About telling each other the painfull truth, or pointing out each other's faults or wrongs without any anger, judgement, heat, or disrepect.

They do what is best for each other, even if it is not what the other wants, but needs - and give each other the best advice, even when the other does not want to hear it.

It is about communication, without which trust and faith fade away.

It is about sometimes getting hurt, but understanding that it happens to everyone, and that all are only human, and making up for your hurtful actions.

It is about still remaining friends with somebody even though they disagree, accepting each other's opinions ond other friends.

About accepting that sometimes friends fight, and that it doesn't always mean the love is gone. It is about setting aside one's pride if it threatens to ruin the bond. 

It is about apologizing when you realise you are wrong, and not always letting one person take the blame.

It is about accepting each others flaws and weaknesses, as well as each other's strengths.

It is beyond jelousy, hate, anger, and fault.

Beyond insults, or grudges, or secrets, or pretence, or treason.

It is about loving them and accepting them for who they are.

It is about competition, and challenge, and sportsmanship.

It allows you to play games with insults and ridicule and rough housing towards each other in the spirit of fun and laughter.

... But the friendship always remains intact, even when it doesn't seem like it.

That's what true friendship is to me.

It's days like this I stop, take a breathe of fresh air, and appreciate all the amazing people I get to call my friends. ♥ MAD MAD MAD LOVE ♥
Real Talk ♥

This is for you guys!

Baby May

xxx

♥

Thoughts of a Teenage Let-down

By Margaret Nicolas Decena Alpajora

 [Sunday, October 9, 2011 at 5:55am]

Don't blame other people for the stress you decide to put on yourself. 

Don't call people selfish when you don't know how to give selflessly. 

Don't call people ungrateful when you only ever see peoples flaws & ignore their merits & forget to apreciate them. 

Don't call people mean when you walk around with an angry face shouting at & scaring people then saying you don't care when somebody points it out. 

Don't tell anybody they will regret something when you neither know nor care about any of their hopes, their dreams, or their plans to acheive. 

Don't assume you know somebody enough to predict their thoughts & actions when you've never bothered to try to get to know them. 

Don't try to predict a persons thoughts & actions by generalising behavioural patterns of their age group, because everybody has different morals & personalities. 

Don't expect friendliness from somebody when all their attempts at closure are met with a scowl, suspicion, and an unfriendly tone when you speak. 

Lastly... 

NEVER try to stop somebody from making their own mistakes by forcing them to learn from yours; 

Lessons in life are meant to be learnt 1st hand. By learning the hard way, people are challenged to gather their own wisdom & grow. 

Sometimes when you think you know what's best for somebody else, you're only puting them in greater danger to crash & burn when you're gone. 

Always GUIDE, Never CARRY. 

It is difficult to trust the ones you love to experience the rocky roads of life, but slowly letting go of control over them is trusting that they were raised to be strong when the hard times must be theirs alone to face. 

Trust is key. Without it, there is nothing.