Learn It

Boys should learn that there's a difference between "I got mad love for you" and "I love you".
Girls should learn that there's a difference between real love and teenage infatuation.
Teenagers should learn to stop abusing the word "love" unless they're sure they really mean it.
That's why people say the word no longer has any meaning.

[Just Saying]

The Will to Forgive

After sorting through my anger and frustration, and my feelings about him, I realized that if I just breathe deep and let it go, without a second thought, my heart would feel so much lighter, and the two of us could skip all this stupidity and go back to being us. I've lived by that. Let go of hate and anger, forgive but don't forget, just learn, and don't make the same mistakes again. I know what he did was because of his own stupid and misjudged decision, and some petty anger, but he realized he was wrong, and I know he didn't do it on purpose. I know he would never willingly hurt me, and that's enough for me. Love is never easy, but that's what makes it love. In order to truly survive in love, and stay together, people should learn to forgive, and learn from mistakes, and never make them again. People should not let any petty negative feelings get in the way of their love for each other, and always remember what is most important; Each other. The 1st Bible verse I ever memorize and the one I most live by, not just in my romantic relationships, but even my relationships with family and friends; all the people I love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

And that's what I will always live by, including in this situation.
All must be forgiven, because I love him, and he loves me.

Leave me broken

A week or so ago.
Me & My friends plan a girls night out for the 9th of December.
I talk to him about our monthaversary he day before that, on the 8th, and ask if he wants do do anything for it.
He says no, we don't really have to do something.
Agreed. Girls' Night out is on. GIRLS.

Girls' Night Out.
We talked all night. I didn't sleep. I'm exhausted.
I meet up with my girls. We hang out. We see a movie. We go to dinner.
Halfway through the night, we get loads of phone calls from his best friend, asking us where we are.
We tell them we're eating, that we're not going to tell them (clearly this shows we're asking them not to look for us), and tell them we will find them after we've eaten.
A while after that, we get anonymously sent milkshakes from the waiter.
Clearly they've found us. We're slightly upset.
We all have drinks already and can barely finish what we already have.
They show up. So much for Girls' Night.
We over-react, still upset from them blatantly ignoring our wishes and agreements.
They leave. We eat. We finish.
We feel really bad for what happened and decide to end Girls' Night to go apologize and thank them for their sweetness.
While looking for them we run into another group of male friends having their own Boys' Night Out.
They decide to join us. They're drunk. I don't notice. I want to find him.
We agree to let them tag along.
We find him, his brother, and his best friend upstairs.
We rush over to apologize.
Everything goes crazy, the drunk boys start greeting them and taking pictures with us.
I still don't realize they're drunk.
I apologize. A lot. I feel really bad. He looks upset. I feel worse.
I apologize more. He's still upset, but he says it's fine and acts okay.
My close friend from the drunk group keeps taking pictures with us, and asks me to sit with him.
When he starts behaving clingy and over-hugs me, I realize they are drunk.
I bet he's mad. A few more pictures, and I get up and go back to him.
I apologize some more.
We remember that we left some of the girls at spur.
We have to go back for them.
Everybody else leave to return to spur. I stay.
I ask him to come. He's watching a movie. He can't. I ask again. He can't.
I say goodnight, and give him a kiss goodbye.
He didn't seem too angry.
We go back and hang out. Watch the drunks and laugh a little.
I don't want to be there. I want to go back. But he's in a movie.
Right before it's time to leave, I call him. No answer. I wanted another goodbye.
I wanted to know he was okay.
I still felt so horrible. I'm exhausted.
I give up and go home. I get home, and fall asleep.
I wake up after a couple of hours. I get on Facebook and leave another apology on his wall.
I still feel terrible about our over-reaction.
He's online. I say hi. Nothing. He's offline.
I can't sleep. But I'm exhausted. I send a goodnight SMS. Nothing.
I can't sleep. I watch TV. I'm exhausted. I fall asleep.


The Next Morning.
He still hasn't replied. I figure he's still asleep.
I have to go for a meeting. My mum refuses. I go back to sleep.
I wake up late. 3pm. He still hasn't replied.
I go on Facebook. Try to send him a message. I leave a post on his wall.
I send an SMS. I doesn't deliver. I send another an hour later.
It doesn't deliver. I leave a post on his wall. Nothing.
I send another SMS. And another. And another. And another.
Asking if he's mad at me.
Nothing.
I know he's ignoring me. I'm hopeful he's just busy.
... But my heart knows he's angry. Cuz I'm in pain.


Tonight.
My brother from South Africa comes. I put a smile on my face to welcome them.
I feel better.
We hang out, and talk, and catch up, and laugh.
We get hungry. It's time to cook. We make french fries.
In the middle of cooking. My brother SMSs him to say he's back in town.
He replies.
My heart breaks.
I feel my chest explode.
I'm in pain.
I leave the chips to my brother, and walk away.
I go to the bedroom and find him on Facebook.
I try to talk to him, and find out he has been ignoring me all day.
I thought my heart was broken before?
That was nothing compared to the pain I felt right then and there.
I logged off.
I ran to the bathroom. 
... and cried.
And cried, and cried, and cried. The way I haven't cried for over a year.
He talks to my brother and tries to talk to me.
My brother tries to talk to me about it.
My heart hopes he wants to say sorry, but my head knows I'm too angry to talk now.
So I ignore my brother. I ignore him.
After a couple of hours crying in the bathroom, I come out.
I cry in the bedroom, where my brother is still talking to him.
My brother says he wants to explain.
EXPLAIN? Not apologize???
Fuck.
I tell him to leave me alone.
I'm too angry to talk. I will swear,
I swear.
He feels no guilt. He only sees mine.
My apology apparently meant nothing, though he pretended to accept it.
More anger,
More heartbreak.
I end it. There is no more "US".
He gets mad again, cuz I'm angry, cuz I'm hurt.
He only sees his own pain.
I shout at him. I tell him what he's done to me. I can't do it anymore.
I end it.
It's over.
There's no more "us".
THEN he apologizes.
He doesn't want me to go.
But I can't go back.


Now
We're still talking.
He's trying to take it all back.
Can I forgive him again after leaving me broken?
We'll see...

Believe it or not...

Hate makes a heart grow heavy;
Forgiveness, even in the face of evil, is the only path to true happiness and satisfaction. To learn & practice this may take a lifetime, to deny it, a second...
... but the fact is: It's just the cold hard truth.
[Believe It]
♥ BitterSweet ♥