You see how truly happy you were for a while when you feel sad, and realise you used to feel that way everyday.
Last week, I made the stupidest mistake I recall ever making in my entire life, and as a teenager, I've made a chizload of stupid mistakes and decisions. I haven't been able to bring myself to want to re-tell the story ever since it happened, except to my family and the police, so I wont. My mother on the other hand made quick work of telling the entire city about it though, so I often have to tell people I don't want to talk about it when they ask me about it, and they do, a lot... so it's very hard to get away from it now, even though I spend everyday trying to distract myself from it because of the way it haunts me. I posted about it on Facebook the day it happened, so anybody who saw my statuses that day knows most of the story... I haven't been able to bring myself to talk about the actualy incident, cuz it makes me feel like such an idiot, but anybody who talked to me that day knows exactly what I lost that day (besides my dignity), and exactly how I felt.
Until last week, my world (my inner world ofcourse) was perfect and peaceful. Everything in my soul and mind was completely content. My life is not, was not, has never been, and probably will never be actually perfect, but I was happy. I wasn't always like that though. I realised that today. The way I feel now... The way I always need to distract myself by reading comics, or watching anime or TV - the things I enjoy most and get easily distracted by, completely pulled into their world - the way I need them now like their morphine to my rage and anger at what happened, at myself for allowing it to happen even though my instincts told me what was really going on and I didn't listen because my subconcience has the need to always be polite, even to people I don't know... The way I absolutely have to be distracted if not asleep - the way I can't live in my own mind anymore... I feel it now and realise that this is how I used to feel everyday of my teenage life before a couple of years ago. The feeling of time running out on me, the feeling of having accomplished nothing, of having my family dissapointed in me because I'm smart but not the smartest, because I'm talented, but not the most talented, because I haven't excelled to be on top of everybody I've ever known, competed against, or schooled with - because I have different dreams for myself than they have for me. The worst is being dissapointed myself because I have come nowhere close to even acheiving those dreams. I keep making plans and charting it out in my mind how I want to get there, but life keeps stopping me. My parents love me very much, but sometimes their over-protectiveness stops me from going anywhere or doing anything to make any progress, and I wont even pretend to try and blame them, because I've allowed this to be my life. I've been so sheltered, I've grown up having everything done for me, and not being allowed to do anything for myself, or try anything alone. I had the opportunity this year to change that. My parents eased up on my enough for me to try make some progress, but I've been lazy. Procrastination has taken much of my initiative away from me. I've gotten so used to being handed what I need, or being handled and stopped by others, I started to stop myself.
Still, for the last year, I've been happy. Seeing how I feel now, and comparing it to how I used to feel before the last year, I can see now how truly content I was with my life, my drama, my losses, my disspaointments. I would work through them, or not care, or do something better. I would ignore drama, and anger, and hate. I would start something new when I failed, or inherit something old when something was taken from me. I may have gotten angry a few many times in the last year, may have shown much anger and hate, but inside, I knew I'd got over it, and I always did after a short time. I don't know what could have made me that way, so subconciously happy, so truly content with whatever happened to me... but I can only credit my friends, those who stayed with me through everything I've ever gone through, the troubles I most times kept hidden from my family... my family, my parents especially, even though I got angry at them A LOT, and they got angry at me, I knew they loved me, I always had it in my head how much they've done for me, even after I found out about my secret true life last year - there were alot of problems between me and my family last year, but I never let anybody know how I just didnt care, how I was still really happy through it all - my sister, my nephew, my new found dad (long story --> http://suchislyf.blogspot.com/2011/06/life-i-never-knew_4707.html <-- Link), I mean, without my family, who am I right? A special guy, Anthony, who despite everything good and bad that we've gone through, is still here...... and most of all God, who has kept me safe through everything, given me people who truly care about me and who I care about, a good life and education, my passions, my dreams, my talent, the wisdom to learn from every experience in my life, good or bad, and from what I observe in others, and most of all, a past, present, and future.
Now I just want that happiness back, but God can only do so much for me because he can only guide my choices and keep me company through it all, and I know the only way to get it is to do the hardest thing any human being can possibly face - Forgiveness. It is the hardest challenge for us, as humans, to truly and fully forgive those who have wronged us... but it is even harder to forgive ourselves for what we hate most in ourselves...... and I now face both. I can't keep trying to stay asleep, or distract myself, it's tiring, and depressing, and I still have a lot of plans I need to accomplish. The problem is, even if I do manage to forgive myself and everyone who's caused these feelings of anger, shame, sadness, and grief... I still have many obstacles to overcome before I can do anything. My mom has become a thousand times more paranoid than she already was before the incident (and that's really saying something) and I'm not allowed out of the house anymore. Left, right and center, everybody feels the need to ask me about what happened, or scold me, or talk about me, or slam me, and I really just want to get past this, but I can't if people keep bringing it up. I now need a new ID and Passport because of what happned, and I really need to get out of the country soon. I'm broke, completely broke, and can't do anything about it...
So I guess here comes the most challenging, and final, year of my teenage life... Wish me luck.
(c) Margaret Alpajora 28/02/12 [1708h]
